Workin' on Some Things

Lately (last 3wks or so), I’ve been working on being more independent, in an emotional sense, I guess you could say. It really all came to a head before I went to Passion the first week of January. The Wednesday before, I sent a regrettable email to a very dear friend just unloading a lot. It was inappropriate and I still regret it. Anyway, I kind of realized then that I can’t let even those close 2 or 3 friends I have in life help me through everything. Some things I have to figure out for myself. Let’s be honest. Who genuinely cares about each other’s problems and what they’re going through? Exactly. And I realize even those 2 or 3 people can be like “OMG shut up!!!” and I’m starting to realize this without them having to confront me about it because they're not confrontational people (like me).

Another thing I’ve been working on is “guarding my heart.” It’s really an Evangelical term and so I don’t really like using it because of its exclusivity. It basically means don’t give yourself away physically, emotionally, spiritually, psychologically, etc. to just anyone. And, in general, I’m an open book. Ask me a question and I’ll answer it and more. And the “and more” is what has gotten me in trouble with a few new acquaintances, I believe. I freak them out and I don’t even realize it, but it’s because I really don’t mind sharing the details of my life with others, but others mind hearing them. You know? So that’s a little balance I’m trying to work on. It’s just that my life has made the biggest 180 yet in the past six months and I’m still learning how to deal. It’s like middle schoolers who don’t realize how strong their bodies are yet and break everything! That’s kinda how I am emotionally right now, although no one is broken – at all. I just need to be more conscious of what I’m saying and to whom in all aspects of my life because all I really got is me, I guess.

I think this blog’ll help me out a lot in this because I can’t be so open about everything. That’d be inappropriate and not ok at all. Vaguely mentioning huge life changes is something I need to do in my real life as well. I have a very large personality though so calming it will take time and training and I’ve been working on that for a very long time and I like its trajectory thus far. I would have no friends if I had never changed myself for my benefit. Personality is way more subdued (or it can be) on the internet than in real life, so that helps as well.

I just need to be independent with my thoughts and balance what I say to people. These have been two things I’ve struggled with since I came of age and I am just realizing how empowering being independent is when I have those “aha!” moments at 2:30am and having no one to tell because I worked it out all by myself over the course of a few hours, days, weeks, or even months. CRAZY! Ok. I feel like I’m rambling now. I feel a lot of this entire blog will be me rambling, but whatever. Like I said, can’t fit everything into 140 characters.